family – Akima A. Brown

Kindred Connections

Leave a Comment / friends, friendships, kindreds, support, thought-life / By admin

When you know your worth and what you bring to the table, it makes it easier for you
to place people where they belong in your life based on what they show you
rather than where you would like them to be based on your hopes for their potential.

Hey there Legacy Leaders, Mavericks, Mavens and Kindreds –

Thank you for joining me here again. It is truly an honor and a pleasure to share with you all as you embark on your journeys to a limitless legacy.

This is the final installment in our foundation building series on how to create the life you and your family desire and deserve. As always, my hope is that by the end you find a way to love big and live whole, so that all you are comes to serve not only your circle, but the world at large.

To date, we’ve discussed the importance of having a clear vision and taking consistent action toward achieving it. We’ve delved into the importance of knowing yourself and how it attributes to clarity, and what kind of complementary kindreds you will likely need when creating your inner-circle so you can be effective and consistent.

Today, we’re going to talk about how to make new friends. Not simply how to identify them, but what you will need to know and understand before you start looking for the folks who will eventually serve in your “Circle of Trust.”

You may or may not be familiar with the Ben Stiller movie franchise, which began with Meet the Parents. In this film, Gaylord “Gary” Focker – it’s as funny as it sounds – (played by Ben Stiller) meets his future father-in-law, Jack, (played by Robert DeNiro) who happens to be a retired CIA spy. He has access to resources and manpower that allow him to pry into every personal facet of Gary’s life. Gary’s relationship is practically ruined by his father-in-law because at every turn he seems to prove that Gary isn’t worthy to be in his “Circle of Trust”.

Jack is very particular about his Circle of Trust. No one is allowed in (or out) without his say-so. Furthermore, he is deliberately intentional about the outcomes for his Circle.

Granted, Jack is a little fanatical and overbearing, which ultimately leads to him being put out of his own circle, but we could learn a couple things from him about how we look for potential partners (in life, love, business, etc) and what we need to know before we do.

KNOW YOUR WORTH
Be aware of what you bring to the table. Do you know who are? Do you understand your inherent value? How do you see yourself: as complete, a work in progress, in need of someone else to make you better? Are you a perfectionist? Do you hold the reigns too tight, or do you trust others around you because you trust yourself and your judgment?

Here’s a lesson we can learn from Jack. HE thought a little too highly of himself. For most of his adult life, his family indulged him in his beliefs about what was best – without question. Questioning his authority meant questioning his intelligence and his integrity; it implied that the person inquiring knew better than he did. Though we don’t know it right away, Jack fears losing his family more than anything, which is why he enmeshes himself so deeply into their lives. But his fear of losing them is rooted in his fear of failing them. For Jack, losing his family is the equivalent of his failing as a father, a husband and a man. It’s only when he lets go (kinda) that he gets everything he wants.

How you view yourself is imperative to how you choose the people around you. When you know your worth and what you bring to the table, it makes it easier for you to place people where they belong in your life based on what they show you rather than where you would like them to be based on your hopes for their potential. When you trust yourself, you trust your judgment (and you know how to brush off the hiccups).

KNOW WHAT YOU NEED
Before you go looking for people to fill your inner-circle, you need to be honest with yourself about what you want and why you want it. Again, drawing people into your life is all about you first. If you aren’t honest with yourself you will invariably lie to the world around you. For instance, you may think you need someone assertive, forthcoming and articulate to complement your quiet, meek demeanor. However, what you may really need is someone who exhibits those traits who can help you develop them within yourself. This means that not only will s/he be assertive and strong, but s/he will also be compassionate, considerate and patient. See how the relationship dynamic shifted a little when you added those other attributes? You no longer need someone who will simply do those things for you, but will do them with you.

Let’s revisit our friend Jack again. Jack knew exactly what he wanted, but he wasn’t honest about his why. Outwardly, he appeared to want his family to have the best of everything so they could be happy, but in truth it was about them having the best of everything so he could look good. Once Jack accepted that truth, he as able to step away from it and allow his family to have what they wanted.

When you’re honest about your why, you’ll find that things take an amazing turn for the better. Not only do people show up who want to help you, but suddenly there’s a synchronicity – a synergy – that allows you to go farther, faster. Be honest, get real and get moving. Who do you need? Why do you really need them? If it makes you tear up (or choke a little) you’re on-track.

KNOW HOW TO SERVE
Building a life of laughter, love, abundance that can ensure for generations takes work – teamwork. You are going to need help; whether it be your spouse, parents, family or friends. You are going to need people to sacrifice themselves at times. But can you give as good as you get? Are you able to return the favor? You may be unashamed to ask for help when you need, but can you be equally unashamed to offer help when it’s required? I’m not talking about unsolicited advice; I’m talking about genuine assistance. It doesn’t take much effort to help someone in the way you think they should be help, but it takes patience, compassion and humility to help someone in the way they need and prefer.

Let’s revisit our dear friend Jack one last time. Ironically, though this movie is one of the funnies I’ve seen in some time, it deals with some heavy hitting family dynamic issues – and in ways that make it bearable to watch…repeatedly! See, by the end of the film Jack has been put out of the circle of trust he started. His wife and daughter want nothing to do with him, and Gaylord…Gary, has decided that the pressure of being part of the family is too much, so he opts to end his relationship with his fiance and hop a plane back home. Jack now has a choice: stand his ground and believe he knows best or alter his position and ultimately give his family what he wanted for them all along, their happiness. Of course, he chooses the latter. Now, Jack – who’d initially used every trick in his book to get Gary to disappear – will use every single one of his resources to get Gary to stay! Sure, Jack seeing his family happy served his ultimate goal but he had to be willing to sacrifice himself.

The same holds true for you. If you want people in your life to love you, honor you, appreciate you, support you and contribute to your overall well-being, you have to reciprocate. Sometimes, you even have to initiate. This is what I call having a servant’s heart. It’s when you give freely, not expecting anything in return, that you receive most fully,

Okay, so by now you have figured out that you have a lot of work to do before you can draw the people you need into your life – especially where it pertains to your inner-circle. You need to know who you are, what you want and why you want it. But, perhaps most important of all, you need to know how to be a friend.

Having the life you desire and deserve is as simple as having people around you who support your vision, believe in your dreams and are willing to help you get where you want to be. If you want to surround yourself with such people, be one yourself.

Clarity and Consistency – Part 1

Leave a Comment / Uncategorized / By admin

Where clarity gives you the foresight to see the final destination,
consistency gives you the wherewithal to make the trip.

Hello again Legacy Leaders,

Hope you’ve had a great week thus far. The last time we were together I talked a bit about how to stay focused on your goals…period. I mentioned that we need to work smarter, not harder, by being clear and consistent.

What I did not discuss, however, was how to get clear and how to be consistent. So that’s where I’ll pick up today. In order to speak about gaining clarity in our choices, I must first speak a bit about what drives many of us – those of us reading this anyway – when making these choices: our legacies.

When building a legacy, we so often think about tomorrow that we put little focus on today. We don’t take the time to really understand our choices or enjoy them. It isn’t uncommon for legacy builders to get so inundated with the task of creating a life for those we love, that we forget to live.

This doesn’t happen (as often) when you’re clear.

Clarity affords you the opportunity to not only leverage opportunities that bless your future and the future of your loved ones, but to also enjoy the present. When done right, as you become accustomed to living in space of clarity, yesterday’s fulfilling choices manifest into today’s fulfilling outcomes, which in turn allow you to make fulfilling choices today that will become the fulfilling outcomes of tomorrow.

And just how do you get to such a state of clarity? It sounds silly, but “know thy self.”

I’m not talking about new age, psycho-phenomenal, humanistic way. What I’m talking about comes from a deep, spiritual insight that can only come from connection with a greater being outside yourself. I’m talking about knowing who are you and why you’re here; not because you decided but because you realigned with the innate, God-given purpose you were put here for.

As Steven Pressfield said in his book, The War of Art, “We can’t be anything we want. We were put here for a reason and it’s our job to discover what that is and become it.” That is clarity baby!

You can’t achieve clarity if you’re always immersed in the busy-ness of life. Clarity comes with turning off the television, putting down the tablet, silencing the phones and doing nothing. Absolutely nothing.

If you have never taken the time to sit still and just be, I urge you to try it. I’m not talking hours or even a fifteen minute stretch. If you can get five minutes of alone time before the kids wake up or after they’ve gone to bed, go for it. Maybe you and your spouse can take a moment to do this together or even apart but at the same time. Later, you can discuss what you each discovered – or not. It’s up to you. The important thing is just to do it. Once you start, you’d be amazed at how much time you can find to continue.

You need clarity. We all need clarity. We all want to be useful contributors to society. There isn’t a personal alive who isn’t fighting to be more. Even those who commit the most detestable and heinous of acts, when sat before a psychoanalyst worth their wright in salt, speak of some dream deferred that left them so hurt the only viable option seemed to be hurting others.

This is why we must be clear; because hurt people hurt people. If we want our children to grow up to be whole, happy, healthy adults we must show them what that looks like. We must take the time to be whole, happy and healthy. If we want them to use our lives as a springboard and stepping stone for greatness, we must get past the first rung.

That requires clarity.

When you know who are you and what you are made for, you understand what works for you and what doesn’t. When you are clear about your purpose it will deter you from expending your energies on things that are not meant for you, no matter how superb you might be at performing them. You’ll steer clear of what Gay Hendricks would call your Zone of Excellence, and start operating in your sweet spot, your place of purpose.

Clarity breeds consistency. Where clarity gives you the foresight to see the final destination, consistency gives you the wherewithal to make the trip. Once you know where you want to go, you make up your mind to get there. If you’re still struggling with clarity, chances are you still haven’t gotten clear.

When you’re clear, you prioritize your actions. You do those things that give you the most return for your investment – whether that investment is time, energy or money. You’re careful to stay committed to achieving the invisible, not-yet-manifested goal regardless of how things may look right now. This is consistency. And though you can have clarity without consistency, you can’t have consistency without clarity.

So, now that I’ve belabored the importance of getting clear, how to do it and all its benefits, just how exactly do we create consistency? I’m glad you asked. I’ll talk more about that next time in Clarity and Consistency – Part 2.

Of course, I’d love to hear from you before then. Where are you on your journey? Been at this a while? Just starting out? Let me know in the comments.

Until soon Legacy Leaders,
Iscis

Getting to the goal

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Some people think that planning is the same as preparing, but the truth is if you invest in a poor plan you’re still wasting your time. Being clear in your objectives and knowing what you want, then taking the necessary steps to manifest that desire is the epitome of working smarter and not harder.

We all want things out of life.

Some want basics like food, shelter, and clothing. Others want an abundance, more than enough…overflow. Some of us want to make more money or build better relationships, Others still are dreaming of new experiences or how to relate differently to the world in which we live.

In these scenarios, there’s usually that someone we talk to about what we’re thinking. Some of us will even talk to…I mean think aloud to ourselves about what we could be improved and how we could improve it. Unfortunately, we can become so accustomed to talking about it that we place no real focus on learning how to manifest these dreams. Or worse, we know everything we need to but, for whatever barrage of reasons, never take the action that ensures their fruition.

And it isn’t intentional. Right? Who sits around thinking, “I don’t actually want to be successful. Note even in the least. I don’t want to be fulfilled”? Who? “I have no issue with this constant yearning for more; this need to be meaningful and feel like I’m contributing my best to the world around me,” #saidnooneever. Well, at least no one I know.

We all want to feel full; to live life and not just watch it pass us by. This became especially true for me after becoming a parent. When I speak to new parents, it’s often the same. It is now very crucial to figure out just how to do be the best version of yourself. Not because you want to be the perfect person or the perfect parent, but because you now understand that giving your child an example is so much better than the best advice.

Being your best will have unspeakable rewards for your life, it’s true – but there’s something about knowing that being wholly and unapologetically you will help them do just the same.

Be honest, would you rather listen to the person who has some great theories for creating the kind of life you’ve always dreamed of living but has never achieved it for herself, or would you rather follow in the footsteps of someone who’s actually done it? Most people would say they want the tried and true example; someone who can tell them how to avoid pitfalls and leverage opportunities.

The problem, though, is that even after you find someone who’s done what you want to do and can offer some guidelines for how to create the kinds of things you’ve always wanted to see in your life, there’s no guarantee that a) you will have the same kinds of outcomes and b) that you will want those things once you have them. But I’m going to let you in on a little secret.

You can avoid expending all your time, energy and joy trying to achieve success only to discover you don’t want that version of success once you have it – or worse, never see it in the first place. You’re only required to contribute two things: clarity and consistency.

Clarity and consistency can save you quite a bit of heartache. Being clear in your objectives and knowing what you want, then taking the necessary steps to manifest that desire is the epitome of working smarter and not harder.

Abe Lincoln is famous for having said, “If you tell me I have six hours to chop down a tree, I’ll spend the first six sharpening my ax.” He was referring to the importance of preparation. Some people think that planning is the same as preparing, but the truth is if you invest in a poor plan you’re still wasting your time.

The best way to prepare is to know your destination, and you can’t know where you are going unless you’re clear.

Granted, sometimes the beauty of the journey is in the route traveled, but even the most scenic route can become a complication if you don’t know where you’re headed. I’m all for “getting lost” on occasion, taking a random turn just to see what’s down the road – but when building your life (and your legacy) you want to avoid random turns at all costs.

Now, I’m not referring to life’s detours – those unexpected twists and turns you’ll have to navigate along the way. I’m talking about moments of seemingly harmless passivity that masquerade as “going with the flow” and “just trying some things out”, which in truth are self-induced sabotage and deprecation. If you’re on vacation and want to give some things a shot…hey, go for it. But not when you’re trying to build a solid life – to create something for the special someone or someones in your life – you need to be clear and consistent. Period.

So just what do clarity and consistency look like? I’m glad you asked.

I’ll tell you next time. 😉

Until soon Legacy Leaders!

Your Lady Boss, Legacy Builder, Mommy Maverick, Sister Friend –
Iscis